Does your Spouse have an Internet Sex Addiction?

According to internet tracking statistics, 35 to 40 percent of internet users visit an adult sex site during any given month.  This is not to say that visiting an internet sex site make your spouse an addict, but it one measurement of the growing accessibility of pornographic material in all aspects of our society.  Not all sex addicts are male either; about 20% of all sex addicts in treatment are female.  However, that leaves 80% who are male.

Since males are generally more visually wired than females, it stands to reason that viewing pornographic materials on the internet is more likely to attract males than females. Women are more focused on the relationship while men are able to distance the act of sex from the relationship.  It is precisely because women are invested in sexual intimacy in the marriage that it may be much harder for the wife to deal with the fallout of a husband who is an internet sex addict.  She may forgive him and even be instrumental in his breaking the cycle of addiction, but at some level, she has had the very trust in the relationship undermined.  She will never be able to understand how her husband can prefer a series of colored pixels on a computer screen to a loving committed marital relationship that includes intimacy based on mutual respect and love.

How can you know your spouse has an internet sex addiction?  There are some clues in behavior patterns, but the truth is, you don’t always know.  Some spouses will recognize a problem and seek help, but most don’t recognize or admit to a problem even after it has spiraled out of control.

Some of the signals which might be a clue to addictive behavior include:

  1. Time for which he cannot account
  2. Missing money for which he cannot account
  3. Unaccountable moods, usually regarding sexual topics
  4. Sporadic or cessation of sexual intimacy in the marriage
  5. A history of emotional, sexual or physical abuse
  6. A supply of pornographic materials
  7. Arguments about sex
  8. Erratic behavior or anger when refused sex
  9. Sex is never enough, or more is wanted right away

 Any one of these alone is not an indication that your spouse is addicted to internet pornographic materials, but it would be a clue to do some follow-up checking. 

The primary feelings of anger, guilt and hurt should be dealt with in counseling or with one of the helpful self-help books and forums on the internet.  Many women are not able to reconcile their feelings of betrayal by the spouse and in a large percentage of internet sex addiction cases, divorce follows.  There are three important things for any woman to keep reminding herself as the wronged party in a three-way relationship between herself, her spouse and the woman’s picture on the internet:

  1. The behavior of your husband is not caused by your actions
  2. You are not the source of his problem
  3. You have done nothing to cause the addiction

 

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Treating an Addiction to Online pornography ,written by Psychologist Frankie Orlando, is not only a comprehensive coverage of sex addiction, but includes a simple, step-by-step action treatment plan.  This great resource book is for spouses and addicts. 

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